The day i left woodsboro

I remember it well. Bitter sweet to depths unfathomable.

I had accepted a job in California. It was the only way forward. The economy had changed so the the business model dad had created was outdated and failing. There was no way to support everyone on the income anymore. Mom's insurance money was being drained to support the business and I could not let that happen. So I loaded up my young family, and left town to seek a new beginning.

The business dad had built was dismantled and sold of for parts. The building rented. The memories lingering in the old storage building out back.

The house across the street, the lemon as we called it, was loaded into a 28 for U-Haul. Everything I owned inside. The house dad and I had spent hours rebuilding every night until he got sick. The house with so many memories, my first. 

We said goodbyes, drive slowly off. I was in the truck, alone. Seeing the buildings, people, businesses one last time as a member of that community for over 30 years... Took its toll. About 2 miles out of town it hit me.. driving towards beeville in that old U-Haul.

Tears. Bitter crying of a soul that wanted to stay, and wanted to leave. It was all I knew..  that little community. It was life. In front was a great unknown. The big city. Technology. Income, a chance to be independent again. But behind was everything... Everything.

Good had closed all doors, forcing us to move. It was painful, a sorry of death inside. Yet it was the best thing God could do for us. It forced me to begin to truly truly on him. To see his hand at work in my life. I was no longer Herbert's boy.. in fact, I was no one. Zero. No one knew me, no one respected me where I was going. It was truly a new beginning, my beginning.

The hand of God was all over those days.. how things just fell into place one after another.  Yet... It hurt.

Following God is not all fun and games. It's work. It's giving up ourselves and becoming Him. It's painful but peaceful. For miles that day the tears flowed. Breathing was a chore. Driving... I don't know how that happened. I was broken beyond repair, devastated... But determined. God drove me forward out of my comfort zone into a new world he had for me.

There are many lessons here...  Perhaps the main lesson is... To follow the lessons. Sometimes it hurts, sometimes it's scary. Sometimes you think you can't, but with God you can. He didn't remove the hurry, at least not in my case... But he gives the strength to move forward and the peace inside to know it's right.

Peace is the ultimate.... Piece inside the storm. Pain comes and goes... Peace is constant.

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Me

I once heard my dad say,  "I have been married to 4 different women"  confused by this,  I wondered,  but he continued,  "every decade she totally changed into someone new"

Now I can relate to that.  I wish to tell you the high level story of...  Me.  Sometimes people seem surprised or confused by the choices we make,  but we must all remember that life is a journey,  and what we think are destinations are really usually just milestones along the way

My journey has been a huge circle through many strange lands. 

I started life...  Different.  All up to my teenage years I was different.  I was also ridiculed,  criticized,  austricized,  laughed at,  attacked  because I was different,  but I was me.  I was intelligent,  wore glasses,  wore braces,  had strong conservative beliefs,  was living in a home / church where miracles happened weekly.  My dad was the biggest figure in town,  riding around on his tractor in our organic 1 acre garden in his brilliant white shirt with a iron on Jesus people patch on the back.

We were different,  and I loved it.  I was at peace.  I was me. I loved God,  I knew what I knew and stood for something true. 

Then high-school.  Somewhere along the way I made a turn.  I got tired of being different.  I remember a time thinking "I am done....  I just want to disappear into the crowd."  the particular circumstance escapes me,  but I remember the moment.  I prayed " God I still love you and will never reject you,  but I can't do this anymore".  And at that mile marker my journey changed.

Drinking,  sex,  rebellion,  women chasing,  part of me went crazy down that road.  I stayed away from drugs because I knew that my mind was all I had to earn a living and that could not be risked.

Other than that.  I started down a road I regret.

There were moments of wavering.  For a while I went back and tried to ge me,  but my heart was broken by the early years of ridicule.  I just wanted to be liked,  accepted.  So I wavered game and forth.  Preacher for a while,  rebel for a while.  Two people fighting inside me to be in control.

I married 3 women and divorced 2, and through that I lived 4 different lives.  Always searching to be who I thought I should,  but every mile marker I passed left me deeper into the world of the lost.

Yet I never rejected God,  not inside,  not verbally.

This journey travels through the strange lands of my life and drops me into the life I have today.  Through a string of deeply moving,  tormenting,  and life altering situations,  the Lord led me back...  To me.

So today I sit here as a ultra conservative,  semi Mormon,  ultra traditional usually poor farmer with too many kids to believe and a life that shocks anyone from my past.  They think "wow how you have changed" or " now dave really went off the deep end"  but no.  What they don't realize is that THIS IS ME.

It was only through years of pain that I realized it is going different that is the path.  As the bible says,  "narrow is the way and few are those who find it".  Peace and the resulting happiness comes only from being different.  Let the world be who it is,  let Satan rule,  but to be happy in this life,  we are called to be not of this world,  to be different. Ironically,  what I spent my life seeking,  the acceptance of this world,  sameness,  conformity,  is what brings pain,  suffering,  death.

Today I am who I was,  who I am,  and I am at total peace with it.  Fortunately the Lord brought me a wife that followed on this journey and accepts me.  The God of the universe,  and the woman God gave me accept me.  It is enough.

Be who you are,  and know that only if the world hates you,  will you find true peace. Don't spend a lifetime proving this simple Bible truth as I did.  Live your life,  be you.  Be the you that God created you to be.

Do I know everything?

Of course not.

But...

I know the one who knows everything.

Grandpa used to say " it's not what you know,  it's who you know".   The notion that you must know everything yourself is a modern education notion,  and false.  Know where the answer lies and you don't need to carry it with you.  You can't.  And thats ok.

Who is the best source of answers?  Well the creator of course!  And he is just waiting to discuss the mysteries of the universe,  or the difficulties in your life.  Ask him.

Do I know everything?  Nope.  And that's perfectly ok.  Sometimes people think that I do,  or think that I think that I do.  But neither are true.  If someone asks,  then I have an answer.  Sometimes from my own accumulated knowledge,  sometimes through study,  and sometimes through direct revelation from God.  Just because I can provide an answer does not in any way mean that I "know"  everything!  What a silly notion.   But I do know the one that knows everything.  Often times I am learning as I speak.  God speaks and I listen along with the question answerer.  I do not "know"  more than them,  I am learning alongside. 

No human knows everything,  but every human can find all the answers in the creator who loves to share truth.  Ask him,  expecting an answer.  Seek him,  open up to him,  share with him,  and you can learn everything and anything.

Know the one that knows and you will never be without.

The most important thing I have done in life

My life s been full to say the leasGt. It has been full with a wide variety of things. Yet there is a common thread through it all,  a common purpose,  a calling,  a reason to drive on,  a reason to breathe. One thing that stands over and under all else.

Being your Dad.  That is my calling,  my main,  my heart.  All the rest is just noise along the path.

Sure,  there have been interesting things,  good things. 

Saving lives and property as a fireman.
Building million dollar business's and technology from nothing but an idea.
Teaching dozens to hundreds of people how to farm for health and profit.
Patenting new ideas around technology.
Preaching to groups of people hungry for the truth.
Walking in God's power to heal the sick instantly.
Seeing angels and hearing the voice of God.
Standing up for truth and right in a world upside down.

I could go on and on with the things Gods grace has allowed me to accomplish through his blessings...  But no.  None of that is life.  None of that is who I am.

I am first and foremost your Dad.

My heart constantly rejoices and bleeds for you,  each and all of you. Not a day has passed when you were not on my mind (except for a few years in insanity on my part).  Every major decision was made with your best interest in mind.  Every compromise in my own life was for your benefit. 

Have I been perfect? Of course not.  I failed at so many things,  missed so many opportunities.  I may not be a great Dad,  I am human and weak,  constantly making mistakes.  But I can assure you,  my child,  there is no greater weight on my heart than you. 

I have no ambition to accomplish great things myself.  That's all noise.  My heart is to enable you to do what God has for you.  For you to find your path in his will. For your life to be all that he wants you to be. 

That is my prayer.  I don't always do the right things,  say the right things,  but I always,  every second of my life...  Hold you as the most precious gift,  and responsibility.  If I had done nothing in my life but you...  It would be enough.

I love you.

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